nataliekresen’s posterous

Stumbling through... 
Filed under

love

 

they sing.

I want you
to pet the palms 
of my hands with your 

thumbs. Kiss

the salt off my face. 

Want to see 
past our 
eyelids       beating 
like butterfly wings

into 

the heart of things
where our 
dysfunctional

little armies 
sing: you,
they sing: you, you,

you, you,

u.

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Filed under  //   love   poem  

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Palms to hearts

Like two colors of paint, we collided. But my fear cried down & our color dispersed. 

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You Were in Someone Else's Hand...

I saw you today as I turned the corner at 28th and 6th, you were in someone else's hand, the memories came rushing back-- you, me, fingertips touching. It made me sick. 


I remembered how it felt to have you inside me, that heady buzz, shortness of breath, you loosened my limbs with your power, you made me all mellow and sleepy. Oh how I loved to hate you and love you, deny you and indulge you. There were days when I was totally consumed and hour after hour all I could do was push you to my lips over and over again. And how I suffered when I left you. Even now, walking down the street, I'll smell you, your scent rising between someone's shoulders on the sidewalk. And it brings a yearning to my heart.
 
But it was never meant to be for us. You made me sick, dog tired, I'd lose my appetite and stop eating.  And after I quit you, I felt better, looked better, performed better. You were killing me yet still I yearned for you and our tumultuous on-again off-again relationship. Even now after all this time, there are moments when I wonder what it'd be like to pull your skinny little body out of my cellophane wrapped pack, place you to my lips and with the strike of a match, inhale you and breathe you back out again. Oh my little lost cigarette, if only we could have had one last smoke together...

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Filed under  //   cigarettes   love   personal reflection  

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I dunno, must be in a poetry mood this week. Here's another one...

Said you'd come
to see if you could
borrow sugar.

You left dried flakes of dirt
on the doormat while
standing there.

"One moment," I replied
and searched the kitchen.
You smiled politely and I
nodded back, embarrassed

it was taking me so
long. When finally I found
some, I poured almost

all of it
for you

into a little plastic bag that
I tied with papered wire. After
you'd gone I
left the dirt you tracked

in, let it just
litter my floor all crushed and dry. 

Sugar.

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Filed under  //   love   poem  

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Truths

"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness."

Bertrand Russell

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Filed under  //   love   quote  

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Math, Romance and Culinary Invitations...

Couples.   
Oh man, couples. What comes to mind for me are two basic equations that exist in the traditional heterosexual dating world, and they are: 

 
1. Man + Woman = Love + Break-up = Ex (Start Again) 
2. Man + Woman = Love - Break-up = Life Partner (Theory Completed)

 
We have all had to tackle these at some point, and some of us (ah hem) are still doing our worksheets like good little pupils. 
 
While these equations seem simple, Man + Woman = Love is one of the hardest theories/practices to truly understand. For love and relationships can dictate whether we will be happy or miserable, fulfilled or empty while experiencing them. They have a profound impact on our lives if we are in one because we are either a.) struggling or b.)  floating through. 
 
Love.  A topic my mind always returns to, mediates on, drives itself nuts over. I recently saw the new Woody Allen movie, Vicky Christina Barcelona which, briefly told, is an excellent story about two American girls who live in Barcelona for a summer and get intangled in their own definitions of love and commitment via a romantic, sensual painter who serves as the catalyst. Each girl is searching for this sort of 'everlasting' or 'true' love that surpasses all other, a real lifetime partnership. But Vicky and Christina, while looking for a very similar intensity of love, believe they'll find it in very, very different people and ways.  This got me thinking...yes, we do all love in drastically different yet shocking similar ways...
 
Can we know ahead of time what it is we want? Can we map it out, outline it with bullet points, or are we just thrown into the jungle, crawling through the darkness on our hands & knees? Is it possible to fall in love after a few days, a few weeks, a few months? If so, it it just as possible to fall out of love in this time?
 
The Fallacy of: Love + Time = Intensity of Love
 
For many years I thought the true basis of a genuine 'love' relationship was in direct relation to time. The longer two people were together the more mighty the bond and the longer it took to recover if there was a break-up. So and So's been together for ten years, they must really have something great. Even I, when recounting my own romantic past have only spoke of my two long term relationships, each of which surpassed the year/s mark. But why? Were these relationships somehow better and more compatible for me than the numerous others that only lasted a few weeks or months before puttering out?
 
I used to think: yes, of course they were more meaningful/intense/loving/real than the brief ones and therefore I must use them to match all future relationships too. If I can make it with New Guy Y longer than Ex Guy Q, then I love Y more than I loved Q and if it ends with Y, I give myself permission to take an unreasonably longer time to get over it. 
 
I now think: this is a bunch of crap. Love can't be measured by time, it's ludicrous really. Love can't really be measured at all except by one's self; it can't even be measured by the partner because he/she's coming from their own place. And yet there's much bragging when two people have dated for awhile-- Oh, Gary and I have been together since we were 19. I feel really lucky. Lucky. In some cases, yes, it's a testament that they care and are committed and have worked through things together but on the other hand Gary could be distant and emotionally unavailable and his girlfriend could be scared to leave him because she doesn't want to be alone. 
 
We've all big egos when it comes to our stance on love. We judge others who don't feel the way that we do and we feel bad for those going down other relationship paths...couples feel bad for their single friends and single people feel bad for their friends who are in relationships. This all leads me to believe that none of us know what the heck we are doing. All this energy, all these thoughts, all this work, and at the end of it, do we know any more than we did when we started? Maybe a little, but not much.
 
Geeze, if we spent this much energy doing anything else, playing the violin, running, cooking...we'd certainly be masters. Perhaps that's the answer, perhaps our time is better spent cooking soufflé or playing in string quartets. Maybe it's time to start a giant cooking club and think about eggs, onions and olive oil instead of lust, disappointment and temptation. Yes, I think that might be a solid solution. Let's go crazy and create ten courses instead of three. Lets vent to our friends about the struggles of poaching fish, cry to our therapists about the tragedy of burning pot roast, write in our diaries about the stress in pounding steak tender. Let's group together and focus all energy on food. I've got a pan...even a few spatulas, and a measuring spoon...who's with me?
 
 

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Filed under  //   love   relationships  

Comments [8]

It's Friday and I wrote you a love poem...

I'd climb out of my skin

for you,

stop eating,

stop sleeping.

 

I'd only think

thoughts

of you

 

for you, 

start praying,

start lying.

 

I'd cry until

my tear ducts swelled,

dance until my

heels got cracked,

 

sing, scream, drool,

bruise, breathe, beg

for you

 

just you

 

you, you, you,

 

then I'd grow tired &

find someone new.

 

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Filed under  //   love   poem  

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Survey: to vomit or not to vomit?

I'd like to put forth a survey on behalf of my friend.
In the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a date is defined as,

date: (noun) 1. a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character 2. the time at which an event occurs

Interesting that according to the dictionary a date is both a social engagement and/or a specific time that an event occurs. I take this to mean that a date is 1.) an experience and 2.) an event. How true it is...dates are never just experiences, no, they always,always contain some specific event in them that can either:
a.) make or
b.) break them. Take for instance my friend...

The story: My friend called me up for advice on a first date. She calls me her 'dating guru'. I have gone out on more dates than I'd like to admit. But 'guru'...I'm not so sure. I've had my fair share of never-should-have-gotten-dressed-for-this dates but that doesn't mean I've learned much from them. In any case, I told her to down a glass of wine beforehand so she'd be relaxed and cool as a cucumber when her date arrived. I also told her-- No more than three drinks while out.

Hmmmm...advice given is not always heeded and she, in the midst of her social engagement (which was going quite well by the way) downed one Jack & Coke too many until her eyes resembled little half moons. They laughed, they flirted, they walked to her door, they conversed, they kissed, and then...she burped/threw up and he left. Oops. There was her date within the date (her event within the experience). Please allow me to illustrate: 

They laughed, they flirted, they walked to her door,
they conversed, they kissed,                         (← experience/social engagement)

and then...

she burped/threw up                                       (← the make or break event)

Which brings me to my overarching question... Is it a deal breaker to throw-up on a first date? What if it's a little harmless throw-up burp that doesn't get on anybody? How can one small event within an entire night-long experience qualify as reason to not continue future social engagements with the person?

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Filed under  //   love   relationships  

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