Couples.
Oh man, couples. What comes to mind for me are two basic equations that exist in the traditional heterosexual dating world, and they are:
1. Man + Woman = Love + Break-up = Ex (Start Again)
2. Man + Woman = Love - Break-up = Life Partner (Theory Completed)
We have all had to tackle these at some point, and some of us (ah hem) are still doing our worksheets like good little pupils.
While these equations seem simple, Man + Woman = Love is one of the hardest theories/practices to truly understand. For love and relationships can dictate whether we will be happy or miserable, fulfilled or empty while experiencing them. They have a profound impact on our lives if we are in one because we are either a.) struggling or b.) floating through.
Love. A topic my mind always returns to, mediates on, drives itself nuts over. I recently saw the new Woody Allen movie, Vicky Christina Barcelona which, briefly told, is an excellent story about two American girls who live in Barcelona for a summer and get intangled in their own definitions of love and commitment via a romantic, sensual painter who serves as the catalyst. Each girl is searching for this sort of 'everlasting' or 'true' love that surpasses all other, a real lifetime partnership. But Vicky and Christina, while looking for a very similar intensity of love, believe they'll find it in very, very different people and ways. This got me thinking...yes, we do all love in drastically different yet shocking similar ways...
Can we know ahead of time what it is we want? Can we map it out, outline it with bullet points, or are we just thrown into the jungle, crawling through the darkness on our hands & knees? Is it possible to fall in love after a few days, a few weeks, a few months? If so, it it just as possible to fall out of love in this time?
The Fallacy of: Love + Time = Intensity of Love
For many years I thought the true basis of a genuine 'love' relationship was in direct relation to time. The longer two people were together the more mighty the bond and the longer it took to recover if there was a break-up. So and So's been together for ten years, they must really have something great. Even I, when recounting my own romantic past have only spoke of my two long term relationships, each of which surpassed the year/s mark. But why? Were these relationships somehow better and more compatible for me than the numerous others that only lasted a few weeks or months before puttering out?
I used to think: yes, of course they were more meaningful/intense/loving/real than the brief ones and therefore I must use them to match all future relationships too. If I can make it with New Guy Y longer than Ex Guy Q, then I love Y more than I loved Q and if it ends with Y, I give myself permission to take an unreasonably longer time to get over it.
I now think: this is a bunch of crap. Love can't be measured by time, it's ludicrous really. Love can't really be measured at all except by one's self; it can't even be measured by the partner because he/she's coming from their own place. And yet there's much bragging when two people have dated for awhile-- Oh, Gary and I have been together since we were 19. I feel really lucky. Lucky. In some cases, yes, it's a testament that they care and are committed and have worked through things together but on the other hand Gary could be distant and emotionally unavailable and his girlfriend could be scared to leave him because she doesn't want to be alone.
We've all big egos when it comes to our stance on love. We judge others who don't feel the way that we do and we feel bad for those going down other relationship paths...couples feel bad for their single friends and single people feel bad for their friends who are in relationships. This all leads me to believe that none of us know what the heck we are doing. All this energy, all these thoughts, all this work, and at the end of it, do we know any more than we did when we started? Maybe a little, but not much.
Geeze, if we spent this much energy doing anything else, playing the violin, running, cooking...we'd certainly be masters. Perhaps that's the answer, perhaps our time is better spent cooking soufflé or playing in string quartets. Maybe it's time to start a giant cooking club and think about eggs, onions and olive oil instead of lust, disappointment and temptation. Yes, I think that might be a solid solution. Let's go crazy and create ten courses instead of three. Lets vent to our friends about the struggles of poaching fish, cry to our therapists about the tragedy of burning pot roast, write in our diaries about the stress in pounding steak tender. Let's group together and focus all energy on food. I've got a pan...even a few spatulas, and a measuring spoon...who's with me?
Comments [4]