nataliekresen’s posterous

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March 9, 2009

Along the way



"The greatest precept is continual awareness."
                                                            -- Buddhist saying
 
This morning I awoke in my close curtained room.
 
It was softer, more quiet than usual. Slivers of light pierced through the fabric folds and something stirred slightly. Something unnameable, alive but muted. I lay there groggy, limbs comfortably askew, trying to bring my mind into full consciousness, trying to connect with the moment & be present. After all, there was nothing outside this except past and future, there was no need to think at all.
 
But I could feel my mind grow brighter, clearer, and it came out screaming like a baby from a womb. Battling the peace in that room, shouldering through with must do, must do, must do, drowning out all the glory in silence, in morning, in life and its sublime moments. And I learned something altogether new about my mind. Learned it wants a war with the present, wants to pull me down with it. And we left that moment, my mind and I, stumbling together, crashing & rolling, bruising all that was holy along the way.


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Filed under  //   consciousness   personal reflection   sleep  

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October 22, 2008

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why is it that mornings are so rough? The alarm goes off, dreams end abruptly, incompletely, and your arms stretch across the mattress in a giant, lethargic attempt to...well, move, I suppose.

 
Except I don't move, I lay there, embracing the mattress, the pillows, whatever is soft and pleasant within arm length, wishing I had just a few hours more.
 
By the time I'm up and moving, I'm always cursing myself for not going to bed earlier, not allowing myself to snuggle in an hour or two sooner to enjoy all the plush lusciousness of cool sheets, warm blankets, and that sublime unconscious state that's all heavy and warm.
 
Mmmm heavy and warm. It must be nice being a baby, always sleeping, tossing about, being held between soft hands and cooing voices. The waking world is harsh, its windy and rushed, people bumping into you, fighting you for a subway seat, stepping on your toes. And they don't care that you're hazy, that you haven't had your steaming cup of coffee yet, your purple multi-vitamin. Nope, they just want the seat that should have been yours so they can dose off for a half hour more, letting their head bob slightly from right to left like a boat at bay.
 
Do we all want more of it? Or are there people who, night after night, clock in a full sleep cycle and wake up doing jumping jacks and writing work reports on their commute? People who have had a full day by 9am. Are they out there? If so, what is their secret, what do they do? Do they really turn the alarm off right away and not lay, tortured by its blaring noise, for 25 minutes? Do they really sit at the kitchen table and have breakfast and brew coffee, watch the morning news? This is an enigma to me, a feat that doesn't seem quite possible.
 
Who's doing that out there and how? Convert me! Bring me over to your side, make me a born again morning person. I want to have time to iron and eat, read and relax, lounge around my apartment as opposed to the mad, rushed, dash of can-I-make-it-to-work-on-time-and-still-remember-to-get-dressed? Come on, come find me, I'll be the one on the couch, napping...

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Filed under  //   personal reflection   sleep  

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